You Don’t Need Permission to Want More

What if the life you really want is hiding underneath everything you’ve convinced yourself you should want?

In this episode of MavenHeart with your host Nicole Ternay, we’re talking about desire, self-abandonment, and why so many women learn to shrink their dreams, wait for permission, and settle for “enough.” You’ll discover why desire doesn’t disappear…it gets buried, how envy can reveal what you truly want, and the difference between gratitude and settling.

If you’ve ever thought, “Am I too old?” “Is this realistic?” or “What will people think?” this episode is your reminder: you don’t need permission to want more.

 

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You Don’t Need Permission to Want More

There is a question we don't ask ourselves nearly enough:

What do I actually want?

Not what is realistic. Not what fits neatly into your current schedule. Not what your family, partner, friends, or society would approve of. Not what you think you should want.

What do you really, really want?

Because I think one of the saddest things that can happen to us isn't that we fail.

It's that we stop wanting.

Not because our desire disappears, but because somewhere along the way, we learn that our desires are inconvenient. Unrealistic. Too much. Too late.

So we start editing ourselves before we ever say what we want out loud.

I shouldn't want that.

I'm lucky to have what I have.

That's probably asking too much.

I've already had my chance.

I'm too old.

I should just be grateful.

And instead of following our desires, we negotiate with them. We water them down. We put them in a little box labeled maybe someday.

Then we spend years wondering why we feel flat, restless, or disconnected from our own lives.

What Happens When Women Stop Allowing Themselves to Want More?

Many women have become incredibly good at being practical.

We know how to make things work. We know how to take care of everyone else. We know how to adjust, compromise, accommodate, and make the best of what we've been given.

But somewhere along the way, we can become so good at making life work that we forget to ask whether we actually want the life we're living.

We stop asking, What do I want?

Instead, we ask:

What's realistic?

What can I afford?

What will people think?

Am I being selfish?

Is it too late?

Shouldn't I just be happy with what I have?

And eventually, we can become strangers to our own desires.

Desire Doesn't Disappear. It Gets Buried.

I believe desire doesn't simply disappear.

It gets buried.

And sometimes, when we bury our desires long enough, they show up somewhere else.

Resentment →Restlessness→Envy

That little pang you feel when you see someone doing something and think, Wow. I wish I could do that.

Maybe it's a woman speaking on a stage or who built the business you've always dreamed of building.

Maybe it's someone who moved across the country and started her life completely over.

Maybe it's the woman who seems to have the freedom and life you've been quietly wishing for.

That feeling doesn't necessarily mean you want her life.

You may actually want your own life...the one you've been talking yourself out of.

Sometimes envy is simply desire pointing at something you haven't given yourself permission to pursue.

You Don't Want Their Life. You Want What Their Life Represents.

This is an important distinction.

When you see someone doing something that lights something up inside you, pause before you dismiss the feeling as jealousy.

Ask yourself:

What is it about her life that I want?

Is it freedom?

Visibility?

Adventure?

Financial success?

Creativity?

Confidence?

Strength?

Recognition?

A sense of purpose?

The ability to start over?

The ability to be fully herself?

Because the answer may tell you something important about your own unmet desires.

Your desire is a clue.

Women Have Been Taught to Ask for Permission

I think women have been taught to ask for permission for things that were never anyone else's to approve.

We ask if it’s okay to change careers.

Leaving a relationship can feel like something we need permission to do.

Starting over gets questioned before it ever gets considered.

Making more money can come with guilt, doubt, or the fear of being “too much.”

Even losing weight or getting stronger can become something we feel we need to justify.

Wearing the clothes we actually love can feel surprisingly vulnerable.

Being visible often comes with the fear of what other people will think.

Taking up space can feel uncomfortable when you’ve spent years making yourself smaller.

Rest gets treated like something we have to earn.

Saying no can feel selfish when everyone is used to our yes.

And becoming whoever the heck we really want to become can feel like the biggest permission slip of all.

But here's the problem:

No one is coming to give you permission.

There isn't going to be a magical day when someone walks into your life and says, "Congratulations. You're officially allowed to want more now."

That day isn't coming.

Because permission isn't something someone else gives you.

It's a decision you make for yourself.

Stop Waiting to Be Picked

I think about this a lot from my years as a ballet dancer.

You could always spot the dancers who were waiting.

Waiting for someone to choose you.

Hoping someone finally notices you.

Looking to the choreographer or teacher to decide when you're ready.

And then there were the dancers who walked into the room differently.

They weren't necessarily arrogant. They weren't loud.

They simply occupied their own space.

They danced like they belonged there before anyone else had decided they did.

Life works the same way.

Some people are waiting to be picked.

Others decide they're already in the room.

And sometimes wanting more means deciding that you don't need someone else to validate your desire before you begin pursuing it.

You Probably Know What You Want

Sometimes we say, I don't know what I want.

But I don't always think that's true.

Sometimes we've just spent so much time convincing ourselves that we can't have what we want that we've buried the answer underneath practicality.

Ask someone, "What do you want?" and you'll often hear:

"I don't know."

Or:

"I just want to be happy."

Those are safe answers.

But what if you kept asking?

What would happy actually look like for you?

What would your Tuesday feel like?

Where would you live?

How would you spend your mornings?

What kind of work would you do?

How would your body feel?

Who would you spend your time with?

What would you create?

What would you experience?

What would you finally allow yourself to do?

And here's the important part:

Answer those questions without factoring in anyone else's opinion.

Eventually, the truth starts to leak out.

“I’ve always dreamed of writing the book.”

“Speaking on stage has been on my mind for years.”

“Building my own business is something I’ve wanted for a long time.”

“Traveling more has always been a dream of mine.”

“Part of me has always wanted to move somewhere new.”

“Getting stronger and feeling stronger in my body matters to me.”

“Starting over is something I’ve quietly imagined for years.”

 

And that is where the real conversation begins.

Wanting More Is Not the Same as Being Greedy

I think we've confused desire with greed.

They are not the same thing.

Greed says, I need more because I'm empty.

Desire says, There is something inside me that wants to be expressed.

There is nothing selfish about wanting to write a book.

Or building a business.

And wanting to make more money is not selfish.

There is nothing selfish about wanting to travel, speak on stages, get stronger, feel beautiful, fall in love again, move somewhere new, or create a completely different life.

You can want more and still be grateful for what you have.

Gratitude and desire can coexist.

Don't Confuse Gratitude With Settling

This distinction matters.

Gratitude says:

I am genuinely thankful for what I have.

Settling says:

I've decided this is all I'll ever get...or all I deserve.

Those are not the same thing.

Sometimes we call it gratitude when what we're really doing is settling.

We tell ourselves we're content because admitting that we want something different would require us to confront the uncomfortable truth that our current life isn't giving it to us.

And that can be scary.

Because once you admit what you want, you have to decide what you're going to do about it.

Your Desires Are Clues

Your desires aren't necessarily random thoughts.

They're clues.

Think about the dream you've been thinking about for five years.

Or ten.

Maybe even twenty.

You don't accidentally keep thinking about the same thing over and over again for a decade.

There is a reason you feel pulled toward something every time it crosses your path.

There is a reason you feel more alive when you imagine a different future.

That pull matters.

But wanting more is risky because once you admit what you want, you also have to admit what your current life isn't giving you.

It's much easier to say:

"I'm fine."

"I'm content."

"This is enough."

And sometimes it really is enough.

But sometimes "enough" is simply the language we've learned to use when we're afraid to admit we want more.

What If You Don't Actually Want the Life You've Built?

I often wonder how many women are living lives they never actually chose.

Lives inherited from someone else's expectations.

A timeline you never chose.
A definition of success that doesn't actually feel like yours.
Rules you inherited without ever questioning them.
Standards you’ve been trying to meet that were never yours to begin with.

 

And then one day, you wake up and look around and quietly ask:

Is this really it?

Is this my life?

If you've ever asked yourself that question, I don't think you need to be afraid of it.

I think it's an invitation.

An invitation to look deeper.

An invitation to ask yourself what you want now...not what you wanted ten years ago, not what you thought you were supposed to want, and not what would make everyone else comfortable.

What do you want now?

Give Yourself Permission to Want More

Children don't apologize for wanting.

Spend time around a two-year-old and you'll see it immediately.

They ask.

They imagine.

They explore.

They tell you exactly what they want.

Then somewhere along the way, adulthood teaches us to be practical.

To fit in.

To be manageable.

To be palatable.

To not ask for too much.

And slowly, we become strangers to ourselves.

So I don't want you to make another vision board or write another list of goals just because you think that's what you're supposed to do.

I want you to get radically honest with yourself.

Close your eyes.

Get quiet.

And ask one question:

What do I want?

Don't rush to answer.

Your first answer will probably be filtered.

Wait for the second answer.

That one may feel a little embarrassing.

It might make your heart race.

It might feel almost ridiculous to say out loud.

That may be the one.

And when another voice immediately says:

You can't do that.

You're too old.

You missed your chance.

What will people think?

That's unrealistic.

Can you really do that?

Don't hate that voice.

That voice is trying to protect you.

It's been protecting you for years.

Maybe decades.

Thank it.

And then remember:

Protection and purpose are not the same thing.

You get to decide which one drives your life.

Stop Asking "Should." Start Asking "What Do I Want?"

Every meaningful change in my life has started with a desire I could no longer ignore.

Not because I had all the answers.

And not because I knew it would work.

But because pretending I didn't want it became more painful than trying to go get it.

Maybe that's where you are right now.

Not fearless.

Just tired of betraying yourself.

So here's the challenge I want to give you for the next seven days:

Every time you catch yourself saying "I should," stop.

Then ask:

"What do I want?"

You might be surprised by how different those two answers are.

Because maybe the life you've been hoping for doesn't begin when somebody finally believes in you.

Maybe it begins the moment you stop waiting for permission.

Your desires are worthy of being explored.

Your dreams are worthy of being taken seriously.

Your life is yours to choose.

And no one...not your age, your past, your circumstances, your family, or someone else's expectations...gets to decide what's possible for your life.

You don't need permission to want more.

You just need to be willing to tell yourself the truth about what you want.

And then decide what you're going to do with it.

Want a Life That Feels Expansive?

If this conversation about desire, identity, and choosing yourself resonates with you, you'll love MavenHeart.

MavenHeart is for women who are ready to stop abandoning themselves and start choosing themselves...to create a life that feels expansive, meaningful, and as good on the inside as it looks on the outside.

Because wanting more isn't the problem.

Forgetting that you're allowed to want it is.